After Settling in Thailand, I Learned Assertive Communication
I’ve been living in Thailand for five months now. I often get biased comments from acquaintances like, “Why don’t you go to a developed country?” or “Thailand is so backward and dangerous, why settle there?”
Hearing the tone of these friends, I can’t help but recall how I used to speak to my students in Taiwan.
The Old Me: The Harsh Words I Said to Students Back Then
However, the old me had a terrible problem of “speaking too quickly and hurting others”.
Here are a few responses that might make you gasp (and I apologize to my past students):
- Student submitted pre-interview questionnaire late: “If you submit it late again, we might as well cancel the interview!”
- Student didn’t keep up with progress: “If you continue like this, we don’t know how to proceed. Or should we just give up on applying?”
- Student’s available study time dropped below the minimum 4 hours: “It’s hard for us to proceed like this; choose between your job and the GMAT!”
- Student’s review wasn’t thorough: “Are you seriously looking for test points with this kind of review? Or are you just trying to appease me? If you’re just trying to appease me, then we don’t need to do reviews, and I don’t need to check them!”
(All of the above are true, and Terminator Head Instructor Emma can attest to them)
The Turning Point: What Bangkok Taught Me About ‘Taking It Slow’
Ever since I settled in Thailand, I don’t know why, but perhaps the entire environment lacks that fast-paced pressure, and my mood has eased considerably. I no longer feel stressed that everything must be completed today, right now; I no longer feel the need to rush from one task to the next without a break.
“It’s too hot outside, let’s go into the mall for some air conditioning.”
“Caught in a downpour? Let’s get a massage at a roadside shop.”
“Walk into a restaurant, listen to some live music, and don’t think about anything.”
“Waiting at the immigration office from 6 AM to 5 PM? Let’s just shop around inside the government building. (That’s right! Government buildings actually have all sorts of shops and even open-air markets inside!)”
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I gradually adapted to these rhythms. What can’t be said calmly? What can’t wait until tomorrow?
After having time to calm down, I started to consider my students’ feelings.
The Current Me: When ‘Snape’ Learned to Speak Like ‘Dumbledore’
So, facing the same situations as above, my responses slowly transformed into:
- Student submitted pre-interview questionnaire late: “Could I trouble you with something? You see (opening other students’ interview data sheets), before each interview, I review your questionnaire once, think through your situation, and make notes. This way, we can discuss more things in the same amount of interview time. So, could you please submit the questionnaire at least 24 hours in advance next time, to allow Dustin time for pre-planning?”
- Student didn’t keep up with progress: “I’d like to understand why your progress is delayed. If it’s something I can help with, I’ll try to assist you directly. If it’s beyond my control, I’ll help you think about what resources I have that you can contact. For example, if you struggle with self-discipline, I have a well-known ‘supervision service’ from Taobao that can oversee your execution!”
- Student’s available study time dropped below the minimum 4 hours: (I would remind them in advance) “Based on my experience, given your job nature and the four hours you’re currently allocating, there’s a high possibility of fluctuations in the future. Dustin’s expertise is in designing study plans and diagnostics, but I can’t be God and give you a 25th hour. What I can do is give you an early warning when I see signs of trouble, so you can prepare. If time truly becomes insufficient, we might need to discuss which subjects to sacrifice. But I will analyze the pros and cons of sacrificing each subject with you, and ultimately, you will make the decision!”
Don’t you think it’s like going from Snape to Dumbledore? Honestly, even I was surprised.
‘So This Is It…’ — My Unintentional Practice of Assertive Communication
Later, I came across a piece of text online and realized that what I had been unintentionally practicing was a communication style common in civilized societies but seemingly somewhat lacking in Taiwan: ”Assertive Communication”.
(Excerpt)
In English, there’s an important concept called Assertive Communication, considered the most effective way to communicate. Simply put, it means expressing your feelings and needs clearly and directly, while simultaneously respecting the feelings and needs of others.
Comparison of three communication styles:
- Aggressive: Only considers one’s own feelings, ignoring the feelings of others. (Characteristics: sarcastic, harsh, always right, condescending)
- Passive: Always tries to please others, neglecting one’s own needs.
- Assertive Communication: Clearly expresses one’s own needs while also respecting the feelings and needs of others.
Dustin didn’t take any interpersonal communication courses. Did the environment change me? Or did something else? I can’t say for sure.
I just find this change incredibly interesting. Perhaps those of you who are about to study abroad, or are already studying abroad, will (or already do) have similar feelings? If you have a chance, I’d love to hear your personal experiences and thoughts in a private message or comment. I’m genuinely curious.
